I wanted to share an experience I had with a group therapy I attended a couple years ago now. I recently found something I had tucked away as I tried to finish healing.
During this group therapy one of the therapists had us do a project. The project was writing a poem out of used and read books. We were to circle words out of the book pages and use them to write a poem. Some used multiple books, I was lucky and had the right book and needed only one. We had about half an hour to find and circle our words before we then read our poem to our group. I wanted to share that poem with you all.
When I wrote this poem, it was during the beginning stages of my healing. Still confused, hurt, angry and scared. I suggest trying this out!
The book I took these words from is called,
Miles Away From You, by A. B Rutledge. A super fitting title for what I went through!
At first I tried to keep it running
You’re the one who didn’t bother
I’m out
I have spent the last year and a half with all this anger
I don’t know what you were feeling that day
All I know is you left
Anger
Rage
And a fucking huge disappointment
I felt very small and very naked
I guess it could be worse
I feel numb
So much has happened
Everyone is so pissed right now
Mom threw her arms around me
And I just wanted some space
She text, we love you
I wanted the fight over
I am trying, really trying
To break the silence
I didn’t say anything
I haven’t cried like that in a really long time
Ready to make my escape
Because it is the right thing to do
It hurt
I had to choose
I chose, everything would turn out alright
The pain, not processing
Shutting down
I have to hold it together
I suffer through sleepless nights
I am nervous
I was afraid
I can’t trust nobody
This whole thing is about sex
For YOU wouldn’t WAIT
I laid perfectly unrecognizable
That’s when I let myself
Live in this black colourless void
Trauma can steal your memories
YOU took my life
Because I cut you off completely
I don’t know what I could have done differently
I didn’t actually expect my parents to be okay with me leaving like this
I must be in real bad shape
It’s funny, a bad joke, sort of amusing to you
How long have you been this horrible person?
You changed so much overnight
I still remember your voice, your laugh and the way you smell
But
It’s best not to think about you
If I do let those thoughts in, I drown
I’m so dumb!
How stupid was I?
I feel like I am being buried alive
It’s just really scary
I decided the only way I was going to keep my shit together was to not think about you
My mind wondered to some pretty weird places
I ended up convincing myself that you were up to no good
I kept myself up worrying and I was suddenly so exhausted
Tired of being alive anymore
That’s how I felt THAT night
So defeated that I didn’t care weather I woke up in the morning
My stomach bottomed out then
My gut understood before the rest of me that something horrible was about to go down
HELP. ME. PLEASE!
Stop him
You wanted to do what you loved to do: worry me
Terrify me
Have me beg and plead and bargain
Despite my sleepless night, I got out of bed early this morning
Still angry and hurt and tired
But
I decided to put your memory away for awhile
Keep moving forward
My bad day played over in my mind
And all I could think about was… pain
Trying to catch my breath
A voice messing with me
Back in my room
Up on my bed
I got chills suddenly
It was as if someone were watching me
What a wreck I am on the inside
A year and half ago when my heart splattered on the floor
I realized that I deserved better things
Like friends
Kindhearted people
To find someone I can really talk to
I want to be better
Therapy can help heal if you allow it to. It can teach you new techniques and art forms in describing how you are feeling or how you felt. Being able to talk in a group of women about my experience made me only want to open up more as I heard their stories and their trauma. It made me realize I was never alone, nor would be.
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