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Therapy was good

I wanted to share an experience I had with a group therapy I attended a couple years ago now. I recently found something I had tucked away as I tried to finish healing.


During this group therapy one of the therapists had us do a project. The project was writing a poem out of used and read books. We were to circle words out of the book pages and use them to write a poem. Some used multiple books, I was lucky and had the right book and needed only one. We had about half an hour to find and circle our words before we then read our poem to our group. I wanted to share that poem with you all.


When I wrote this poem, it was during the beginning stages of my healing. Still confused, hurt, angry and scared. I suggest trying this out!


The book I took these words from is called,

Miles Away From You, by A. B Rutledge. A super fitting title for what I went through!


At first I tried to keep it running

You’re the one who didn’t bother

I’m out

I have spent the last year and a half with all this anger

I don’t know what you were feeling that day

All I know is you left

Anger

Rage

And a fucking huge disappointment

I felt very small and very naked

I guess it could be worse

I feel numb

So much has happened

Everyone is so pissed right now

Mom threw her arms around me

And I just wanted some space

She text, we love you

I wanted the fight over

I am trying, really trying

To break the silence

I didn’t say anything

I haven’t cried like that in a really long time

Ready to make my escape

Because it is the right thing to do

It hurt

I had to choose

I chose, everything would turn out alright

The pain, not processing

Shutting down

I have to hold it together

I suffer through sleepless nights

I am nervous

I was afraid

I can’t trust nobody

This whole thing is about sex

For YOU wouldn’t WAIT

I laid perfectly unrecognizable

That’s when I let myself

Live in this black colourless void

Trauma can steal your memories

YOU took my life

Because I cut you off completely

I don’t know what I could have done differently

I didn’t actually expect my parents to be okay with me leaving like this

I must be in real bad shape

It’s funny, a bad joke, sort of amusing to you

How long have you been this horrible person?

You changed so much overnight

I still remember your voice, your laugh and the way you smell

But

It’s best not to think about you

If I do let those thoughts in, I drown

I’m so dumb!

How stupid was I?

I feel like I am being buried alive

It’s just really scary

I decided the only way I was going to keep my shit together was to not think about you

My mind wondered to some pretty weird places

I ended up convincing myself that you were up to no good

I kept myself up worrying and I was suddenly so exhausted

Tired of being alive anymore

That’s how I felt THAT night

So defeated that I didn’t care weather I woke up in the morning

My stomach bottomed out then

My gut understood before the rest of me that something horrible was about to go down

HELP. ME. PLEASE!

Stop him

You wanted to do what you loved to do: worry me

Terrify me

Have me beg and plead and bargain

Despite my sleepless night, I got out of bed early this morning

Still angry and hurt and tired

But

I decided to put your memory away for awhile

Keep moving forward

My bad day played over in my mind

And all I could think about was… pain

Trying to catch my breath

A voice messing with me

Back in my room

Up on my bed

I got chills suddenly

It was as if someone were watching me

What a wreck I am on the inside

A year and half ago when my heart splattered on the floor

I realized that I deserved better things

Like friends

Kindhearted people

To find someone I can really talk to

I want to be better


Therapy can help heal if you allow it to. It can teach you new techniques and art forms in describing how you are feeling or how you felt. Being able to talk in a group of women about my experience made me only want to open up more as I heard their stories and their trauma. It made me realize I was never alone, nor would be.



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